Lawyer-Lady applies to replace striking sitcom writers

When I first met with the lawyer I screamed about on Monday, I asked her to transmit files by registered mail using a USB stick I provided.

Lawyer-Lady insisted that she uses e-mail all the time and never has problems, so I reluctantly agreed. Her Kanzlei, right?

Breathe, Molly. Maybe there's an instruction manual on breathing somewhere. Inhale, exhale. Ah right, then inhale again. Maybe this lawyer does entertainment law on the side, maybe she's starting her own show.

My father's brother has the same first initial as I do, different middle initial.

Right, keep breathing.

My libertarian uncle and I share an appreciation for ironic kitsch, and for mindful violation of our own ideals: we use the same data-violation-specialist freebie alternate mail provider.

Since I'm having huge spam issues with my real mail system ), I gave the lawyer
mentioned here my freebie-jeebie address. To which she copied highly sensitive files - accidentally entering the wrong middle initial.

Breathe, Molly. Right, all the way into the lungs. Good news, bad news.

My uncle doesn't know German. But his mother-in-law is German, and loves nothing better than a good read from the homeland. Somehow, I've been able to breathe through dealing with that this week. Got some good-natured grief from my uncle's wife about not having my stuff together and do I need help and as soon as her mother's done with the translations they'll all pitch in and handle my correspondence for me. Her mother had sent the files to my great-aunt, who delights in translation challenges. I kept breathing.

The only e-mail addresses they've got are Schulz-Meyer's, the lawyer's, and mine, so if the fam is in the mood for some good practical jokes, I'll get a good laugh at their spoofs. When my parents were newlyweds, this great-aunt sent them an official-looking notification of the annulment of their marriage. Ha, ha. So what if they send the lawyer threats from the IRS (International Retirement Service) ? Or Schulz-Meyer a draft notice from the U.S. Army?

No, I'm not happy this "stayed in the family." (Not any more so than I was when UnGroom's bank sent my account information to his sister. We didn't have the same family name, so I didn't buy the bank-boy's excuse that it was all in the family. Not to mention that x-sis-in-law was the last person I wanted to access my financial 411. ) Sure, I do see the advantage of family ties in this case - my uncle is driving up the level of pain and suffering incurred. So I've kept breathing.

Now that I've read the lawyer's response to my snarky mail that I was going to read her the BORA riot act? I'm not breathing.





Sehr geehrte Frau Breyer,


in vorgenannter Sache übermittel ich anliegend mein Schreiben vom heutigen Tage an Dr. Schulz-Meyer zur Kenntnisnahme.

Im übrigen darf ich darauf hinweisen, dass ich üblicherweise nicht per Email mit dem Klientel kommuniziere. Bei Ihnen habe ich hiervon erstmals eine Ausnahme gemacht, was ich im Nachhinein sehr bedaure, dies um so mehr, als ich bei Eingabe der Emailadresse unbewusst und ungewollt einen Buchstaben falsch eingegeben habe. Ich habe zwar eine „Delivery Confirmation“ erhalten, kann aber nicht feststellen, ob es sich hierbei um die Rücksendung der fehlgeleiteten Email handelt.

Da ich im Internet, wie die meisten Kollegen meiner Generation, nicht sonderlich bewandert bin, wüsste ich nicht, was ich weiteres tun könnte.

Ein befreundete Kollege und Internetspezialist hat diesbezüglich mitgeteilt, es sei höchst unwahrscheinlich, dass es eine weitere Emailadresse mit dem fast identischen Namen gebe und, falls dies wider Erwarten der Fall wäre, der Empfänger mit den Daten etwas anfangen, diese zuordnen könne. Vermutlich befände sich die fehlgeleitete Email im Mülleimer des Providers, soweit sie nicht als Delivery Confirmation an mich zurückgelangt sei.


Mit freundlichen Grüßen


Why do I have the impression that her "friendly colleague and internet specialist" is NOT named Jens Ferner?

And dangit, I paid 18 Euros for that USB stick, so I'd better get that back. I need to trade it in for one of those breathing instruction tapes blondes use.

I don't buy the lawyer's excuse that she just doesn't "get" e-mail because of her age. She has that deliciously knackige trainee (yo Molly, keep breathing!) who's probably all of 20 years old.

Mr. Ferner, in case you happen to read this, Nein, ich habe diese Geschichte leider, LEIDER keineswegs erfunden. (Na ja, ausser, dass ich ueber den Azubi gesabbert habe. Weil ich dafuer womoeglich in den USA wegen Belaestigung verklagt werden koennte : das hat nie statt gefunden!)

Oh, and Lawyer-Lady still hasn't sent an apology to Dr. Schulz-Meyer. I'm not the one who put real client company and contact names in the documents (though if one of them finds out they could indeed go after my sorry gluteus maximus in the U.S.), I'm not the one who's screwed up in ways that place one's professional standing at stake. I'm not the German whose life is anchored in Germany for ever and ever, amen. So I'm going to nag Lawyer-Lady until she writes and sends her heartfelt apology to Dr. Schulz-Meyer. He's suffering enough at my hands. Hired unprofessionalism isn't an instrument of torture I employ.

I know, I should translate the e-mail for my one occasional anglo reader, but I have to buy that breathing instruction tape first.